Little Black Girls Dream Too

Written by Karen and Rochelle on 15 April 2011

When a relative was married recently, it nearly started a civil war within our own family. It was just a wedding. My cousin wasn’t pregnant. She didn’t have children from a previous relationship.

While there is absolutely wrong with either of these scenarios, the drama began where all wedding stories typically begin…. at the guest list.

Our cousin spent more than 12 years in school as an undergrad and in graduate school combined. So naturally, when the time came to marry, she wanted to share the event with her extended family.

Because she had a great job as did her fiancee, she opted to pay for her own wedding. A modest budget of $30,000 was set. Believe it our not, $30,000 is a typical average for a wedding of 200 guests.

The trouble began, when the bride started to hear horror stories of uninvited guests showing up at the reception or wedding. Some black folks feel “entitled” to celebrate. That is to say, we all know someone, be it a friend or relative who has opted to become a parent before becoming a spouse. We all happily attend the baby shower and ooh and ahh over the new baby when she is born but, nothing garners more excitement in many black communities than the planning of two families coming together in matrimony.

There is the excitement your parents feel at giving away a beloved daughter and the pride of gaining a new “son”.

Next comes the moment that every mother dreams of..shopping for the gown that her child will be married in. This is the one moment in which mother and daughter share the same dream.

Even for women whose mothers have passed on before this moment could occur, there are aunts, godmothers, grandmothers and sista-friends who weepingly exclaim how “your mama is looking down on you and she is so proud to see you in that dress”.

The moment is austere in the lives of many women. So when our cousins and friends and relations move towards parenthood without the benefit of “giving the family a wedding” the pressure become exponential to the relative that does offer up a sacred ceremony.

Little black girls dream too, of their wedding day whether they happen before or after the children they bring into the world come before the ceremony or after.

The trouble with us started when the RSVPs began to come in with altered numbers of guest that would attend the ceremony. Two guest became 4.

And on one occasion, a revered elderly aunt and uncle crossed out the number of 2 and changed it to 7!

When called, the aunt explained that there were several cousins that wanted to see and be apart of the ceremony. For many brides this can me the difference between a sit down dinner and a buffet style luncheon!

Moreover, another out-of-state cousin called to send nothing more than well-wishes, when she mentioned that she…and her best friend couldn’t wait to fly in to attend the wedding.

“Friend? What friend is this?” the bride asked. “It just my best friend from college, we do everything together” was the placid explanation.

The bride gently expressed regret and offered the following apology; “I’m very sorry but, we are only able to accommodate 200 people and we’ve had to cut our guest list twice. Unfortunately since your friend was not on our guest list, we’re unable to accommodate her”.

To which a stern reply of ” But, she’s already bought her ticket to fly out!” And so began the battle of seat assignment and the will of the bride versus that of the “community”.

A wedding is a celebration. One that everyone has dreamt of, no matter your station in life, no matter your bank account or parentage. Everyone wants to celebrate and bring anyone and everyone they know to express their pride in your event.

So again it is, little black girls dream too of wedding days and celebrations, along with the entire black community. Some will choose to fight to keep their budget intact and others will give in and go with the flow.

We…well we, will blog more on this and other adventures in weddings as the weeks go on.